Several months pass

and now I'm single again!

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK?

Okay, after all those months of being ignored, things were sure to end with that call. I guess things ended a while ago, but the party in question didn't want to tell me.

I am frustrated. I think I'm entitled to at least being frustrated about all of this shit.

I lost a lot of sleep over this. I don't know if getting things sorted out earlier would have helped encourage me to spend my time and energy on things that actually need attention, but you know. As a courtesy. (I also feel entitled to being selfish in this rant.)

I'm trying to take the higher ground and not get all mad and yell-y, but booo.

boo.

Movies To Watch

At some point or another, and in no particular order.

• I Spit On Your Grave - Recommended by Adam. Violent revenge. Both 1978 and 2010 recommended
• Exit Humanity - Zombies post Civil War
• Monster Brawl - Campy Dave Foley and monsters fighting
• Grave Encounters - Ghost Hunters! Woo
• Primal - Possession with friends
• Contagion - Pandemic!!
• Quarantine 2 - Rabid humans on a plane
• REC - Rabies
• Paranormal Activity 
• Growth - Parasites that make you strooooong
• The Ruins - Assholes get stuck in cursed ruins with scary-ass plants
• Devil's Backbone
• The Unborn - Jewish wandering soul that is EVIL

Need to get to work on this, yo.

But I think I'm close to landing a job. Maybe. I hope they call me back again.

 Multi Language Center FACIL

They offer "affordable" translation services. Actually, it would be pretty fulfilling to work for them. But for now, I should probably contact them to see what their operation is all about for my thesis. Ahh.

Don't.

Don't make me go back to that place again.

富山とか

Toyama was kind of weird. Overall, it was a great experience, but I had been using it as a distraction from reality for so long that when things were about to end, I broke down. There are a lot of things that I should be dealing with, but instead I let my body overpower my mind. Indeed, where is my mind?





Somewhere dark. Somewhere lonely.

I don't know why it's there or how to get it back. I feel like it would be selfish to ask for help.

-- from my phone, because I have things to do

Location:５丁目,Bunkyo,Japan

Toyama

So far, Toyama has been pretty wet. It's pretty, but it's also wet. Mmm. At least the rain stopped for now.


-- from my phone, because I have things to do

Location:Tonami,Japan

Spaghetti

We had the kids do most of the cooking up at Karuizawa. They actually did pretty fine.





-- from my phone, because I have things to do

Mannequins are actually really unnerving

-- from my phone, because I have things to do

Pick-chuuuuures

I think I may start posting some of them here.

If you follow me on Instagram, you've probably seem them before. Sorry. It's expensive to get film developed, and my scanner is broken. Also, I don't know how to use the darkroom at the school. I wanna ask someone for help with that, but the person I wanna ask is just as awkward as I am, and so whenever we make eye contact, there's a surge of panic that obviously fills the room.

I haven't been using my digital camera much lately. It's been more about my Ricoh and just using my phone. Mm.

ただ働き

どうなんだろう。



-- from my phone, because I have things to do

場所:２丁目,文京区,日本

Tear it up!

The more that I've been thinking about all of what's to come and what I should be doing and where I should be going, the more I've realized that I should focus on what makes me happy. Making money isn't everything, but it can certainly make certain things a much closer reality. But really, it's not all about the money. All the money but none of the time is worthless. Mm. Something like that.

So, let's dance.

This is where it's at.


-- from my phone, because I have things to do

場所:１丁目,目黒区,日本

Poke

As much as I've bee spending the last few weeks panicking over research and the graduate program's entrance exam, I've also pulled out my DS for the first time in a while.

Pokemon is still just as much fun. At this point, I'm able to find some of the ones from previous generations of the series. Some are new to me, but others bring up all sorts of feelings from my Blue version back in 1999.

The Pokemon Company is hiring. Maybe I'll apply with the naive hopes that it wont crush my dreams like the rest of this job hunting experience seems to have.

場所:１丁目,渋谷区,日本

Hard Candy

In completely unrelated news, I watched Hard Candy last night.

I like Ellen Page. (Because I am a stereotype?) But this film was pretty unsettling.


Trailer:

Hard Candy (2005)
Directed by David Slade

WOO

Today I found out that I won't be considered as part of the "foreign student" group when I test for graduate school here. Because I will have (in theory) graduated from my current university with the full four years under my belt, I'll get herded in with the rest of the Japanese students.

You have no idea how happy I was to hear this. I just about cried right there on my boss/professor's couch in her office as she was on the phone with the head of the department, who just happens to have been my main professor for half a year, back when I was taking Korean.

But why should I be so excited for the lack of special treatment? Well... people in the foreign student bracket have to take this horrendous Japanese exam. I skimmed over one from a couple years ago, only to be horrified and turned completely off. But as I looked it over, I noticed that the time it said it was to be administered was the same as the time for a separate section of the exam. Anyway, that was all cleared up for me today. While the foreign students are put in a separate room to complete the Japanese language section of the exam, the Japanese students tear through an English section or two, as well as another world language section. Pretty much, it amounts to a lot of translation into Japanese. Even though I'm a native English speaker, I still get to take that version of the exam. It's not like it's going to be a cake walk, but you see why I would be so excited, yes?

So, maybe there is hope for me, after all. I still have to work my ass off until then, but it's not the first time I've been in such a situation. It's just been a few years since I've had any motivation.

After this realization, the three of us in the office started talking about how much work we could accomplish together. But, in order to even get that far, I have to get in, first. Oh, and graduate from sociology.

Hot Chip

I realize that this is really after the fact, but I think I just kind of fell in love with the music video for Hot Chip's "Ready for the Floor". My favorite part? All the black and gold ladies.

In other news, yesterday I made a run to the local movie rental place. Woo! I ended up getting four DVDs. The first I watched was Jennifer's Body.

Hella guilty pleasure. I really liked it, actually. If you go in looking for a pure horror film, you're gonna be disappointed. It's a little bit of black comedy mixed in. If you go in expecting the humor, too, it definitely makes for a better watch.

Jennifer's Body (2009)
Directed by Karyn Kusama

Resources

I really need to have a way to keep all of my stuff organized for my graduation paper. And since no one really reads this blog, why don't I just place links here? You know, with a common tag so that I can access them all without too much confusion. Yes.


Children, elderly, disabled, foreigners heavily affected. Foreigners are affected by lack of information.
Psychiatrists aid traumatized foreigners

Debito's collected not fun media. eeeh.
More J media regarding NJ within earthquake-stricken Japan: Rumors of “Foreign Crime Gangs”; rapes and muggings, while tabloids headline “all NJ have flown Japan” etc.

This is actually pretty good to keep.
東日本大震災から学ぶソーシャル翻訳

TUFS student run blog, I think.
Japan earthquake how to protect yourself

Official, on the school's site.
TUFS-Multilingual Disaster Information Service

Hurrr

During the time that I lived near Kichijoji, I managed to go to the same hair salon for pretty much the whole time, despite a crippling awkwardness on the phone. My parents used to always have me run to get the phone growing up. 'Run' really is the operative word here. Our phone had a tendency to cut the machine after only a few rings, so if you didn't haul ass, you'd have to deal with hearing your own voice echo through the house along with the mechanical "we're sorry, but no one is available to take your call" voice and a confused other party. So, it's not as though I should have any reason to fear phones. I felt naked without my iPhone when visiting my parents' place this March. But really, speaking on the phone has become less and less natural.

Well, I'm not a teenager anymore, so that may be part of the issue, but really, even talking to friends on the phone is awkward and something I try to rush through. I know that part of the anxiety is from all of the confusion that occurs with attempting to communicate in a non-native language without visual clues. I know that very well. But I've lived here for over four years, now. I'm more surprised when I still get the initial praise of how well I speak. I thought we were past that. (Oh man, I still have to look up "passed" and "past" because I never feel like I have them just right. My poor English.) It's stupid of me. Petty, I guess. I am bored by the gushing fake admiration. But maybe it's genuine, and I'm just a numb, angry person.

The main reason why I was able to go to the same salon for so long was that I never made an appointment. Instead, I just walked in front of the place from time to time, and chickened out whenever they looked busy, only getting my hair cut when I had built up enough gall to walk in. This probably was a lot more stressful than just making an awkward phone call every couple months. But I made it work? Kind of. But I really liked that salon, and how the people who worked there treated me. Maybe that's only because I let them get beyond the initial encounter's default "wow! you can talk!" layer. I think they knew that I would be moving.

About four months after I moved into my current apartment, I got my hair cut at a salon in Ikebukuro. It was all kinds of awkward. I didn't really understand they way they did things. I was getting scolded for the state of my hair. I was convinced that I needed to buy special shampoos. I was in, I payed my money, and I was sent out the door with a new set of hang ups.

Five months after that, Rita dyed my hair black to get rid of the horrible mess it was becoming. At least it was a lot more natural than the weird flan-inspired thing that had been there. People were shocked by the color. I guess they all forgot that my hair is almost black to begin with.

A couple months later, Rita gave me a haircut in my room, using a pair of scissors I received from the office of our old university and a cheap razor from the drug store. It was nice. It looked fine. I felt good about it. But then I didn't doing anything after that for another four months.

It didn't seem like four months.

My hair was looking gross. The black dye was running out, and the lower half of my hair was becoming redder and redder each day, leading many people to ask if I had decided to go red. (This was a decision I made over a year before. I guess people are a little slow on the uptake.) Yesterday I decided to just cut it off.

And so I went to the nearest salon I had remembered seeing. I asked if there was any student discount (none for me, sadly) and just decided to go for it. No chance to let myself chicken out. Hop in the chair. Get it done.

Of course, being Japan, I had to fill out a form with my name, address, and whatever other stats first, but I was given a seat almost immediately. I met my stylist, and he asked me what I wanted, and then we were off to the shampoo station.

Relatively painless. Now I'm left with a card suggesting I go back in about two months with promises of a 500 yen discount.

I think that my perceived rudeness on the phone may be part of the reason why I didn't make it to the interview round with one of the companies I applied for. Job hunting has forced me to face the telephone, even if only to try to talk my way out of some event or another held for unfortunates like myself.

Maybe I'll make that call this time.

Slayage

暇があるときはだいたい、何かにハマることが多い。

高校のときまでは、ゲームや漫画だった。

この間、帰ったときも、英語版のポケモンの新しいやつを買った。

3日間ぐらいはほかのことを考えられなかったほどハマっちゃった。

でも、ここ2ヶ月 ぐらいは子どものときに、もう一つの好きなことにハマってる。

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

バフィーは内の兄ちゃんの時代の番組だ。

でも、兄ちゃんにとって、良い番組だったんで、私も、子どものときに、よく観てた。

そのときに好きだったところと、今好きなところはときには同じだけど、今観て、高校のときに見直すべきだったと思うことがいっぱいある。

さっき、シーズン５を観終わったとこだ。

めちゃくちゃ泣いた。

このシーズン。

ここまで一番心地悪やつはシーズン４の「Hush」だけど、一番泣いたは、シーズン５。

でも、その後はWBから、別の放送局のUPNに移って、新しいものを初めて放送されたときにあまり観なくなっちゃった。

今考えると残念。

今観ると、いろんな複雑な気持ちが湧いてくる。

Joss Whedonがやばい。

尊敬する。

Willow Rosenbergのキャラクターも。

でも、そのなかにも、自分が見える。

それが怖い。

でも、あるメディアによって、ここまで心が揺れることは大したもんだ。

でも、私はそこまで、そのような「大したもん」を作り出すことって、できるのかな？

 生きていかないと、わかんないよなぁ。

だからだ。

だから生きていくのだ。

いくら諦めたいと思うときがあっても。

Ugh. Bad taste.

Do you ever get into one of those moods where you wanna see just who shares a birthday with you? You know, to compare and see just how you're doing on the scheme of things. Usually it leads to a trip to wikipedia.

Just now, I decided to try it on IMDb. Some notables.


May 13.

1. Robert Pattinson.
7. Bea Arthur.
8. Stephen Colbert.
18. Dennis Rodman.
28. Stevie Wonder.
37. Rebecka Liljeberg.
81. Koji Suzuki.
83. Carrie Prejean. <-- WTF, so not cool
144. Alison Goldfrapp

Also, J. Searle Dawley, the director of Frankenstein, is also somewhere on this list. Whoa.

Headless Chicken

I'm starting to pick up on a pattern, maybe.

Like, this really strong tendency to busy myself with otherwise 'productive' activities to distract myself from the guilt I feel for avoiding other petty, yet still important tasks. It's pretty simple stuff, usually. I just really don't like to do it. I'm never sure what sort of language to use, or whatever. Maybe I really do lack social grace.

I don't really think that this is the issue, though. It never used to be, at least. I used to be able to handle myself. Maybe I just wasn't so self-conscious. Maybe I just never noticed how awkward I forced things to be around me.

But it's not all about me. Oh, no. That would be way too much stress. I wouldn't function.

By the way, this video is pretty nice. The music is really nice. I guess Oval was active in the early '90's, but the music doesn't seem to have aged that much. I always found it really refreshing to find music that seems so completely out of it's time. I guess that's a lot of what drives forward Lo-Fi and hipster stuff these days, but when music seems to exist outside of its own time, in the sense that it came before its time, there's something haunting to it.

I wonder if there will come a time when I can take another listen and say that I was wrong. That this piece was very much a product of its time. That I just couldn't see it, then.

Ken Ishii and Alzheimer's

A questionable combination.

This final period is really taxing. I wanna just churn out this paper and have it done. Then I can think about what comes next.

Role Models

If only there was a single go-to role model who I could model myself after. Things would probably seem easier. I would have more direction and structure with what I would do with my life.

But that's not how things are.


I can deal with that.

Things would probably be way too boring, anyway. Things would never change. Things would never get better.

So, let's start.

Waiting Again

Actually, I shouldn't be waiting. Or at least, waiting shouldn't be the only think I'm doing. We're getting to the end of the school year out here. In a couple of weeks, I should have turned in all of my assignments for the term, assuring that in order to graduate next March, I'll only have to show up for my seminar and turn in a massive 80,000 character dissertation. (Thesis? I don't know what to call it in English.)

In another window, I have a just-started essay. The idea was to have a draft done by the morning. We'll see.

Right. Waiting. Pretty much, I just wanted to bitch and moan about how it takes so long for western movies to have theatrical releases out here. I Love You, Phillip Morris was an exception, and that was because of release issues back in the states. Because it's a pretty gay movie? Well, real life can be pretty gay, my friends. It's nice to see the movie industry moving in a direction that doesn't freak out as much about releasing and promoting films where the "gay" thing isn't just added to drag out laughs from people who otherwise cannot cope with reality.

Speaking of kinda gay movies, I'm waiting to see Black Swan. So far, I don't think that a release date has been announced for Japan. I wonder if it will still be in theaters back in the states in March? (I never know whether to end "I wonder if..." sentences with periods or question marks. They're statements, right? But when we say them aloud we always raise the end like a question, so... I am confused. And my grammar handbook is on the other side of my apartment, which is tiny, but I think I'll just go without knowing for now.)

So, yes! I'm going back to WA-WA-WA-Washington in March. And this time, I'm bringing someone along. My stomach squiggles whenever I think about it. I can only imagine what's going on in her stomach.

Terror?

Did I blog about terror and horror about a month ago? I should have, if I didn't. But, I think I did. So, I'll just let that go for now, too.

An Experiment.

たまには、日本語でブログを書こうかな？

mixiで、あまり書く気がしない。ときどき、いっぱい書くけど。

でも、ここなら、いいかな。ほとんど誰も、このブログのことは知らないし。

別に、誰かに見せたいという気持ちで作ったわけでもない。


気が向いたら、日本語で書くかもしれない。

As the World Turns

We've entered yet another period wherein I am guaranteed to accidentally write the wrong date on all of my papers, now haven't we? Goodbye, 2010. You were very confusing with high highs and low lows. But you know what? You finished well enough. I would give you an overall pretty okay grade.


But now that the date has changed, even if only on the calendar, and not yet in my heart, it's time to kick it up.

There's a great English-language used books store in Ebisu called Good Day Books that I first went to over three years ago with a friend. I remembered really enjoying the bookstore and also getting my head smooshed in the doors of the elevator. Since then, I hadn't gone again. I never really took the time to explore Ebisu save a couple times where a friend would suggest meeting there to check out a new cafe, the Tokyo Metropolitan Museum of Photography or just walk from there to somewhere else. Actually, just a few days ago was much the same as that. The plan was to go to an exhibit at the museum that we had missed the day before, but by the time we arrived at Ebisu, it was too late to actually enter the exhibit. Instead, we killed some time at the bookstore before heading off to meet some folks in Shinjuku.

I guess I had forgotten how nice the bookstore was. The first thing I saw when we safely made it out of the elevator was a book I had bookmarked on Amazon, one of the few books on the Foreign Service Officer Test's reading list that isn't a textbook, and thus well out of my modest price range.

I'm almost halfway through it now. Ideally, I would like to just be studying for all of that right now, but I am a student, and I do have a somewhat silly course load this term. Today I plan to get my XML in order for Thursday. I'll finish reading for my presentation on Thursday in another class. Hell, maybe I'll even check that English that I've been putting off for months.