It's that thing again

I think I may have started that thing again.

Exposing my tender underbelly.

Please don't slice it open.


-- from my phone, because I have things to do

Idiosyncrasy

I didn't know the correct spelling for the word until tonight. I am twenty-five years old.

I want to make an effort to write again. Even if nothing I have to say is of much consequence and just contributes to the deafening overflow of information out there, I am not upset by the idea of contributing to that numbing constant dull, blunt pressure. So Even if what I say seems not to make sense, I will be alright with that. It's part of being alright with myself. Because I know that is how I function.

The last month and half, or so, I've spent nearly every week with my boss in some capacity outside of work. Usually with his wife, too. It's refreshing to know people who have similar interests in music who aren't the people who aren't the same people who know my every weakness.

A few weeks ago we hit up Hostess Club Weekender, an indie festival-type show that is held every few months in Shin-kiba.

For me, it was all about seeing Caribou. This song was uploaded to YouTube about four years ago. That seems about right. That's about when I was in that place in my life. That's when I was still making trips to Ehime regularly and listening to music until I would wear out my headphones.

But now my life doesn't allow me to listen to music constantly. I have whatever is playing in my head, but it's purely internal. I can't share that with anyone. But in general, I don't have people to share the music with right now. Maybe that's the hardest part of right now. I'm okay with myself. I'm okay with spending time on me. I get to reaffirm who I am. I can know that what I'm doing is of my own doing, and not just an attempt to adjust myself to the others around me.

But it's lonely. I wanna dance. But as nice as it is to dance alone, sometimes I wanna dance with someone else.

A little more than a week ago I went to pick up my newly extended visa. That night, I went to see Basement Jaxx with my boss, his wife, and some of their friends. It was nice. The bass was pumping. The room was vibrating. I could feel it.

So I'm trying to keep the music playing as I figure this out.

Better Me

It's nice to have some time with just myself. I keep forgetting that. It's easy to forget.

I've been working late-ish nearly every day since last summer. New projects, projects that just wouldn't end, excitement, tedium. It all melds together into an amalgam of, oh look, it's nine pm again. But I'm not upset by it.

The last few years have been pretty rocky. I've made some poor decisions. I've had a lot of heartbreak. But I know that I am stronger today, more grown up, and more of a me that I can respect. And really, that's been my new year's resolution for the last several years. I like it as a goal for myself. I don't like the idea of putting something out there that I'll feel guilty about if I don't work for it every moment. Being healthy is a great goal, but it can lead to a lot of unnecessary stress and disappointment when you slip up.

And you will slip up. You're human. Or at least I am.

So, while I do enjoy my morning push-ups, I'm not promising myself that I'll do them every day. I get sick. I get late. I get hungover. But if I skip out on something that's so rigid against definitions, I will hate myself for messing it up, and then be less and less motivated to keep going.

But being a better me? I can do that. No one else can, by definition.

I have been pretty good about the push-ups, though. Not gonna lie.

Life

Continues.


-- from my phone, because I have things to do

It's so global!

It's been nearly two weeks since we all got our job assignments, now.

I was really expecting to end up as a coder, but things didn't turn out like that at all. In fact, I doubt that I will ever have any direct contact with coding again in this job. It's hard to be sure, though, since I'm in uncharted territory.

It's kind of scary, but I think this is giving me an opportunity to make things better. There's a lot of room for improvement, and if I learn quickly and can be convincing enough, things should start improving.

Even though I'm working in IT, I feel like I'm doing something good in the world. I think about all those times when I wished that things were easier here, and that people at least acknowledged the idea that we're not all the same, and that accessibility is important.

There's a lot of room for improvement in the department of accessibility. Not just the easily overlooked issue of language selection. There's so much that I notice, which implies that there is so much else that I'm missing.

For instance, take Japanese movies. I went and bought a really cheap DVD player about a month ago and have been renting about 4 movies a week since. A lot of times I don't want to think so much, so I just rent some horror movies and comedies. Occasionally I feel like watching something in Japanese, despite the fact that almost all of my interactions during the day are in Japanese now. (Save my conversations with one of my co-workers who spent a year in the states.)

I'll pop in the DVD. It'll start up. I'll try to put on the closed captioning. (It makes it really easy to understand, rather than having to actually focus on what people are saying.)

Only thing, there is no closed captioning on the disk.

For me, it's a mild inconvenience, but for so many others who have limited or no hearing, I can only imagine. When I was gathering works to cite for my thesis last year, I read up a bit on the history of subtitling and closed captioning. It played such a large role in the development of deaf education that it just blows my mind that most films are released here without. I usually just rent, and so the argument could be made that perhaps I'm missing out on the closed captioning on disks released for purchase, but even that seems like an absurd stretch.

I dont know that I really have a point here. Think about people. Just be aware.

Werk

I've been in training for about 6 weeks now.

Therefore,  I have the strong urge to redo the design of this blog with my own code.

We'll see.

I'm also pretty lazy, so... yeah.

Also, I'll be 23 on Sunday. How's that?

Happy 2012 and all that

Let's make it a good year. I don't want to use this as a place for petty sadness.

So, let's graduate and get on with life!

I've been working part time at the company since November, and I'm still liking it there. The people are pretty great. Even if the hours sound really terrible, it feels like people are feeling some compulsion to work, and are actually doing something during those long hours.

If you find worth in it, there is nothing wrong with working, eh?

Also, I watched a few of the movies from that list of horror movies I posted a few months back.

Primal was horrible.
The Unborn was nice.
Contagion was also pretty nice.

Really, by the end of Primal I just felt sad.

Some trailers.

Primal (Josh Reed, 2010)

The Unborn (David S Goyer, 2009)

Contagion (Stephen Soderbergh, 2011)